


Uncertainty and Assuredness

by LittleMissHeartfillia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bed Cuddles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, bokuto throws pebbles at his lovers window like its a goddamn romcom, but lets be real bokuto belongs in a romcom with akaashi, introducing the rare moments where Akaashi breaks down instead of bokuto, mention of suicide, tw for talk of suicide ahead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28003608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissHeartfillia/pseuds/LittleMissHeartfillia
Summary: Akaashi never missed a single practice, and that was something Bokuto held him to. Missing one practice out of the blue can be explained away by a 'family emergency' but missing three in a row was something entirely different. Bokuto was going to find out what was wrong his own way, whether Akaashi wanted him to or not.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Uncertainty and Assuredness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Madame_Hatter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madame_Hatter/gifts).



> This was written as a late birthday gift for the ever so lovely @Madame_Hatter UwU  
> theres so much i can say about this beautiful woman that ive somehow made my friend. But i'll just say that J.J. makes me a better writer, a better person and i adore you so much lovely~   
> While we're here you should check out J.J.'s work on AO3 too! She does a lot of amazing BNHA work beta'd by yours truly XD

Bokuto kept his hands in his pants pockets as he walked down the street. The only light was a dim flood coming out of the windows of homes he passed. A volleyball he had snagged from the gym was tucked underneath his arm. He’d return it later, when he got Akaashi to come out of whatever hole he was hiding in.

The rest of his team was still diligently practicing at the school gym, except Akaashi. Bokuto whistled to himself, faintly wondering what could keep their setter away from practice for this long. He contented himself with the fact that he’d find out tonight, whether Akaashi wanted him to or not.

The last text Bokuto had sent him had been ignored and that fact still left a sour taste in his mouth. He narrowed his eyes as he turned on a heel and rounded the corner of Akaashi’s street. At least the fall breeze was warm tonight.

When Bokuto got to Akaashi’s two story family home he stood and smirked at the sight of it for a moment. Bokuto walked past the driveway and into the backyard, picking up pebbles as he went.

Once he was facing Akaashi’s window on the second floor he let one loose. Akaashi didn’t answer the first time, but Bokuto could see his lights on. His shadow was moving on the wall and he was pretty sure he heard the discordant noises of a volleyball match drifting from the window.

No doubt Akaashi was studying their opponent for the upcoming match they have.  _ Good _ . Bokuto thought.  _ He’s still thinking about volleyball even if he’s not coming to practice. _ Bokuto threw three more pebbles before Akaashi appeared in view. It happened too soon and Bokuto had already loosed another pebble when Akaashi’s window opened.

The pebble hit him square in the forehead. “Ow! Wha-” Akaashi winced, rubbed his forehead and looked down at Bokuto with annoyance. Bokuto shied under his glare and made a show of dropping his remaining pebbles.

“Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi!” Bokuto gave him an enthusiastic wave, then spun his volleyball on the tip of his finger for show. “Haven’t seen ya at practice in a bit. If we hurry we can still get to the gym before the rest of the guys ar-”

Bokuto didn’t get to finish before Akaashi interrupted. “I’m not in the mood,” he spat and promptly closed his window. His figure disappeared from view again. 

Bokuto scowled. “ _Hmph._ Can’t get rid of me that easily.” He picked up the pebbles again. This time he only had to throw two more before Akaashi opened his window. 

“C’mon man!” Bokuto began again, trying to keep up his overly positive attitude. Maybe he could sweet talk Akaashi. “I just wanna talk, why don’t you come down and hang out?”

Akaashi’s expression was unreadable. Then again he was always unreadable. Bokuto liked to think that after knowing each other for four years he knew Akaashi’s stoic expressions well but that proved difficult when looking up at a second story.

Akaashi didn’t hesitate as he answered, “No,” and closed the window again.

Bokuto’s skin prickled.  _ That bastard _ , he thought. Bokuto dropped the pebbles and volleyball and dropped into a crouch. If Akaashi wasn’t going to come to him, he was going to go to Akaashi. Bokuto stuck his tongue out in concentration and ran full force at the house. 

He jumped as high as he could up the wall, and used a foot to propel himself higher. Bokuto barely managed to grab the overhang underneath Akaashi’s window. He held himself there for a moment, breathing and working up the strength to lift his hanging body.  _ Damn I should have done more push-ups at practice, _ Bokuto cursed himself. 

His feet scrambled against the wall, trying to get a footing. He raised himself inch by inch, until finally he could throw an arm over the top of the overhang. With a lot of grunting Bokuto was finally standing on the shingles right outside Akaashi’s window.

He squatted down to look inside. Akaashi was sitting at his desk, watching a video of a volleyball game on his laptop. Bokuto tapped on his window, causing Akaashi to jump. Bokuto smiled slightly at catching him off guard.

Akaashi let out a sigh, paused his video and stood up to open the window once more. “You know my parents are awake, you could’ve just used the front door,” he said plainly.

Bokuto chuckled as he wormed his way through the opening. “Where’s the fun in that?” The window was smaller than Bokuto thought and he had to wiggle his body under and through. Without thinking Bokuto grabbed the back of Akaashi’s rolling desk chair to hold himself steady. In that same instant the rolling chair moved and Bokuto tumbled inside in a tangle of limbs, hitting every piece of furniture he could on his way down.

“Ugh,” Bokuto groaned as he rubbed the back of his neck. Akaashi stood above him, disdain written all over his crossed arms and blank expression. 

“Well, you’re here now,” Akaashi said. “What did you want?”

Bokuto cleared his throat and leapt to his feet. He put his hands on his hips and tried his best to sound authoritative as he said, “ _ You _ haven’t been to practice in three days and that’s extremely not like you. So I wanna know what’s going on.”

Akaashi’s instant tension was palpable. His face tweaked and for a moment Bokuto would’ve said it looked like a wince but it was too small and gone too fast. Maybe something really was wrong? After all, Akaashi had never missed a practice. Not since his mom passed, and even then he had only missed one day.

Bokuto raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to speak. His dark eyes were shaded, staring out the window Bokuto had just come from. “Sorry,” Akaashi said. There was something unspoken in his eyes, and this conversation became a journey to figure out what. “I had a family emergency Thursday, that’s why I couldn’t come.”

Bokuto nodded his head. “Yeah, you said that. But then you avoided me at school. And you didn’t even answer the last text I sent. You know you can talk to me about whatever right?”

Akaashi still wouldn’t look at him. He took a deep breath. Then walked past Bokuto to sit down again in his desk chair. Akaashi grabbed his personal volleyball off the floor and held onto it like it was a stuffed animal. 

“My cousin committed suicide last week.” His words were like a punch in the gut. Bokuto gasped, but he couldn’t respond yet because Akaashi kept going. “The funeral was Thursday.”

“Shit, Aka,” Bokuto whispered, gaze falling to his feet. He bit his lip. How come Akaashi hadn’t mentioned that? “I-I didn’t know…” He trailed off, stuck in his own train of thought. Bokuto had come here so forcefully and he didn’t even consider that any reason Akaashi had for missing practice had to have been a huge one. “Agh, I’m so insensitive, I’m sorry!” Bokuto fisted his hands in his hair.

“Don’t be,” Akaashi held up a hand, expression and voice calmer than Bokuto felt. “I’m fine. My cousin and I weren’t close. He lived in Hyogo with my aunt and uncle, and they never really talked to us a lot.” Akaashi spun the volleyball in his hands, staring at the way it’s colors swirled. For some reason Bokuto got the feeling he was holding back.

“So…” Bokuto shifted on his feet. “That’s why you missed practice?” Something didn’t add up in his mind. Akaashi didn’t seem as distraught as one would think from losing a family member in such a tragic way. He knew Akaashi liked to bottle up his emotions but even he wasn’t that cold.

Akaashi leaned back in the chair, making it swivel slightly as he tossed the volleyball in the air. “The first time it was.”

“And the second time?”

Akaashi’s gaze was fixed on the ceiling. Bokuto’s heart palpitated at the sight of the tension Akaashi was clearly holding. His fingers were more rigid, more sluggish than usual. His gaze darkened and forlorn.

“Bokuto, what do you want to do after high school?” 

“Hey, don’t change the subject!” Bokuto hollered, taking a step towards him.

Akaashi shook his head. “No, it’s an honest question.” He stared at Bokuto, waiting for an answer.

Bokuto scratched the back of his head. “Jeez, I dunno man. I guess I never really gave it much thought. I still wanna play volleyball so maybe I’ll apply to a bunch of the best sports colleges and then when people see me on the court they’ll go; ‘Hey isn’t that the new wing spiker who transferred from Fukurodani? Man, his spikes are so cool!’ or something like that?” Bokuto made wild hand gestures as he acted out the imaginary scene. “Why what do you wanna do?”

Akaashi shrugged, tossed the ball again. “I’m not sure...After the funeral my dad and uncle talked. Eiji was the only son my aunt ever had, so when he…” The ball fell into Akaashi’s grasp and he stared at the ceiling for a cold moment before tossing it up again. “They lost their heir to the family’s marketing company. My dad offered me up to become the next business manager. He said he’d move us out to Hyogo and everything so I can start classes early.”

Bokuto’s words jumped out of his throat before he could think about them. His hair stood on end, fists clenched. “You can’t leave, Akaashi! We still have our match against Nekoma coming up and it may very well be the last one we ever have together! There’s no way we could find a setter as good as you. What about the team-”

“Relax,” Akaashi interrupted, voice as cool as ever. He looked at Bokuto and that gaze tickled down his spine. He marveled at how Akaashi could look so calm, yet hold such an intense sadness in his eyes at the same time. “I never said I was going.” Akaashi turned back to his ball and tossed it up in the air again. 

“I turned my dad down as soon as he suggested it.” The ball landed in Akaashi’s grasp with a slap. His gaze narrowed on the far wall as the muscles in his jaw tensed. “But-” he went on. “I can’t get his words out of my head.” Finally, Akaashi’s voice cracked. His bottom lip quivered and his brows furrowed. “You’re already a third year. It’s time you be a man and set yourself up for a successful career.”

Bokuto plopped down on the floor, letting his arms prop him up from behind as he listened. “But…” Bokuto said. “Your uncle’s marketing company? That doesn’t sound like you.”

Akaashi shrugged. The volleyball hung from his fingertips in his lap, stagnant. “But what  _ do _ I sound like then? I don’t think I know. I like volleyball-” his gaze fell from the ceiling to the ball in his lap. He gripped it tight enough to turn his fingertips white. “But is it enough to make a career? I don’t have the skill to fight in national level tournaments, or get into the best sports colleges. Not like you. But there’s nothing else that really appeals to me. Taking over a family business just feels like the easiest way.”

Bokuto let out a humph and crossed his arms indignantly. “Bullshit, Aka, I’m not buying it.”

“What?” Akaashi asked, finally turning his way in confusion.

Bokuto stood up. “Aren’t you forgetting a major point here?” Akaashi stared at him, brows still knit. “You’re the one who taught me how to spike in the first place.” Bokuto pushed a finger into Akaashi’s chest, their gazes locked. “You were the one who introduced me to volleyball. You’re always the one who’s there when I get emotional during a game and you’ve always been there for everyone on our team. I wouldn’t be  _ half _ the player I am now if it weren’t for you. So I don’t wanna hear another damn word about how we ain’t equals, got it?”

Akaashi gave a sharp inhale, but didn’t speak. His mouth was slightly open, fingers losing their grip on the volleyball. He stared into Bokuto’s eyes for a long while. The dull glaze that had been taking over Akaashi this whole time slowly faded. There was a hint of that sparkle his eyes usually got when they won a game coming back. Bokuto smirked confidently, hoping to see that spark fully realized.

Akaashi’s mouth dropped open more. “I-” he said then lowered his head. 

Bokuto pouted, worried Akaashi was still doubting himself. He straightened again and said, “And besides, the Akaashi I know can do anything-” Akaashi looked up at him. “The Akaashi I know is always calculating his next move to get ahead. He’s smart and capable and if any one of us is gonna do something with our lives it’s gonna be you.” Bokuto leaned into Akaashi’s face once more.

“And who says we gotta grow up and stop playing volleyball anyway? If that’s what you wanna do you gotta go at it with all of your heart and not hold back,” Bokuto said. “At least that’s what I believe. And I know no matter what you’re gonna choose the best path in life to go down, because that’s just what you do, Akaashi.” Bokuto’s voice softened as he said, “You’re good like that.”

He had hardly expected the end of his rant to come out, but it had and now Akaashi’s gaze was stuck on the ball in his lap. The room was deafeningly silent. Akaashi’s fingers twitched slightly. All Bokuto could see was the top of his unkempt hair. His face was shrouded and for a moment it looked like he wasn’t even breathing.

“Aka-” Bokuto began. He reached out a hand then noticed the silver track of a tear travel down his left cheek. “Akaashi,” he cooed, putting his hand on Akaashi’s shoulder now. Everything inside Bokuto was getting jittery. He was unused to being in this position. How did Akaashi handle him so well when this happened?

Bokuto took a deep breath.  _ He’s always calm and logical...I can do calm and logical, yeah? _ Bokuto knelt so he could look Akaashi in the eye. Looking him straight in the eyes was much worse than seeing him from above. The skin on his chin caved in as he sucked in his bottom lip and bit down hard. His eyebrows were twisted, eyes wide and staring as tears started to stream like a bursting dam.

Bokuto searched his eyes for any emotion besides the stress and pain he was feeling. His own expression twisted to match Akaashi’s and he wished he could take away that feeling. Akaashi shook his head. He seemed to come back to himself as he rubbed at his eyes.

“Sorry,” he mumbled into his sweater sleeve.

Bokuto opted for action, he wasn’t good at calming words like Akaashi was anyway. He wrapped his arms around Akaashi’s neck and pulled him close. Akaashi gasped but he didn’t protest. Bokuto held him firm when he felt the tears stain his shoulder.

Just then, Bokuto had an idea that left him grinning from ear to ear. He hooked one arm under Akaashi’s legs and very quickly lifted him bridal style. Akaashi cried out in surprise. “Put me down,” he said, all steely gaze and firm words.

“Nah,” Bokuto countered. He walked towards Akaashi’s bed, and without waiting for approval he fell backwards onto the plump surface. Akaashi clung onto Bokuto’s shirt as he let them freefall. “This is better isn’t it?” Bokuto said, still grinning.

Akaashi narrowed his eyes. “I’ll decide if I’m mad at you for that later,” he said. Akaashi tucked his arms into his chest and lowered his head into the crook of Bokuto’s neck.

Bokuto’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t know how he got lucky enough for Akaashi to let down some of his walls around Bokuto but he wasn’t going to question it. The idea of Akaashi’s softer sides had always appealed to Bokuto, he just never dreamed he’d see it.

Akaashi’s hand still held onto Bokuto’s shoulder and bunched up the fabric of his shirt there. He was pouting, eyes downcast, but the tension in his jaw was gone. The atmosphere finally felt calm again. A night breeze rattled the window in its pane. Akaashi’s father played a game of shogi downstairs, each piece clicked rhythmically as it hit the board. Bokuto didn’t dare say anything else lest he break this moment of serenity.

“Bokuto?” Akaashi said, his voice was back to being calm and collected, but there was something else behind it that set Bokuto’s blood ablaze. He sounded sweet, almost sentimental. “Thanks,” Akaashi finished.

Bokuto tightened his grip around Akaashi and took a deep breath. “Don’t mention it. Think of it as a long list of emotional breakdowns I gotta repay.”

Surprisingly, Akaashi chuckled at that. His chest rumbled and moved Bokuto’s body along with it. “That list is never gonna end.”

“Hey, I’m trying to comfort you here.”

Akaashi shifted his position so that he was on his back, laying on Bokuto’s arm. “What if making fun of you  _ is _ comforting?”

Bokuto couldn’t help but throw his head back in laughter. Usually he’d have a retort but right now? After seeing Akaashi break down like that, watching him come immediately back around to normal was sobering as it was reassuring. His laughter even tempted a slight smile out of Akaashi.

Bokuto relished the feeling of holding him, getting to see him content in this way. He knew whatever Akaashi was going to do after high school was going to be bigger and better than Bokuto could imagine. He had always impressed Bokuto like that. Was always two steps ahead. Bokuto took a deep breath in. Then he exhaled and wished on the night sky that one day he’d enjoy this moment as more than just friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Leave a comment if you liked it~
> 
> Follow me for  
> Fanfic stuff: Tumblr @Little-Miss-Heartfillia  
> Cosplay stuff: Insta @viviesweets


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